One Sided Friendships

You know what sucks? That in so many friendships, there is always one person who seems to care about the other more. Now, I might just be jaded, but I really think that in 90% of my friendships, I am more willing to do things for the other person than they are me. It kind of sucks.

What brought about this pity party one might ask? It isn't even that I needed a friend and they weren't willing to help. It was that I knew a friend needed help, and despite the YEARS of our friendship, I am not the person they allowed to help them. I know how backwards this sounds, I really do, but nonetheless, it definitely stings a bit when the help I offer is overlooked because this new and exciting person has offered to help instead. It makes me feel as though the foundation of our friendship is jello.  Which is sucky.

In reality, my problem is most likely the fact that I have way too much free time on my hands. I do. Entirely. Too. Much. Time. All I do is sit around and think. Well, technically, I do other stuff, but it is all very trivial and unimportant. I have thoroughly cleaned my house (not going to lie, it was kind of ewe in some places. Not like hidden piles of mold in the back of the fridge ewe, just like how many inches of dust can actually accumulate in one place ewe.), I have read a book (Game of Thrones - pretty good) and like um, applied for jobs. Yeah, see, I've done STUFF, but like I said, none of it is all that important. I am meant to do more with my life! But what? I mean, I really have no choice in what I do. Unfortunately for me, I do not get to control the circumstances surrounding my getting a job. Nope, that's up to the tax payers and some god awful governor who thinks offering tax breaks to companies will improve NY's future. Yes, we are broke and have to cut education funding, but by all means, if you want to start a business you don't need to pay taxes! If that is not a prime example of why education needs more funding (because his obviously has failed him), I don't know what is.

So I guess I have some commitment issues...

So, you know when you set a goal and you are all about doing everything that you need to in order to be able to accomplish that?

Yeah, that lasted me about two days. That is it. I was all about working out over this summer break, losing the thirty pounds (yeah, so I am fat. My parents shut me up with Mountain Dew and Hershey kisses as a kid. Trust me, I was an annoying kid) my doctor suggested. Of course, according to the BMI, I need to lose at least 40 lbs or grow six inches to be a healthy weight.


***On another note, I just looked this up for accuracy and noticed that I have now delved into the obese category. Though, BMI's are stupid and don't account for things like well, things. Shitttay!*****

But, hey, let's face it, I would be PSYCHED to lose like ten pounds. In all reality, I would just love to be able to fit into all the really cute/nice dress clothes I have. So, I think I am going to attempt to commit to working out more everyday. I mean like everyday as in Mon-Fri, and Saturdays if husband is working. I don't really have an excuse not to. It is not like I have a plethora of other things to do. I am a teacher, on summer break, who is also currently unemployed. I don't think any adult actually has more time on their hands than me. I mean, I do have the whole Songs of Fire and Ice Saga to get through this summer, but I mean, I could fit in some work out time, I guess...book nerd problems.

I also think that I desperately need to stop eating sweets. I mean, I eat sweets more than anyone I know. I don't have a sweet tooth, I have a sweet jaw. It is very unhealthy.

I guess to put on my big girl panties (sports bra?) and do this. I am 25 going on 26. My husband and I are talking about having a baby, and I can't possible have a baby and gain any more weight and not expect to end up in a wheel chair again. Plus, how am I supposed to keep up with a baby if I am so fat?

Okay, so tomorrow, since it is late at night now, I will start being more serious about this. Any suggestions would be helpful. Also, any DELICIOUS Recipes that doesn't involve tofu or onions would be helpful :)

It is Going to Be a Long Summer

So, yesterday was the first day of what could be a permanent vacation for me.

It was really boring.

I got up, went to the gym, came home, mowed the lawn, showered, got groceries, and then read. What the hell am I supposed to do for the rest of the summer?

I need a hobby, you know beside reading. But what to start? I should try something active, being as one of my goals is to lose weight. My best friend just uploaded a picture of me from the graduation. My god, I am so sad that all the pics I took with students will have me looking like that. I am so fat. I mean, I know many people say that, and many girls say it to get a "oh, no you're not", bu I really have gotten far too big. It is grossing me out.

So what to do? I don't know. It is too small of a town. I wish I lived in a city that allowed me to sign up for different classes. That would be cool.

There is a job opening in Saranac Lake. That is all. All the fifty some odd schools I looked at, just one opening. It is going to be a long summer...

Why Not?

Question of the day: Why is it that when you are down, and upset, people insist on attempting to cheer you up by telling you that you have no reason to be upset? Seriously?! Just let me be miserable. I am not taking out on you, or in fact ,asking for your input on the subject whatsoever. No, I am existing here, alone, not affecting anyone. You came to me, observed my bad mood, and now feel the need to fix it. It is not broken; in fact it was working just fine. LEAVE IT ALONE!

It all started last night. I saw an episode of FRIENDS, the one where Ross and Monica's gramma died. It made me sad, on account of the fact I miss my gramma like a woah. Then, I kind of started to dwell on the bad things that had happened to me of late and got myself all sad.

Well, the sad turned to bitter when I arrived at school today to discover that there actually was not reason for me to be there. I had wanted to play hookie (I still have two and half days of time to take), but I thought my favorite collegaue needed help finishing something we had started together and I didn't want to leave her high and dry, so I went in. Well, turns out that she had finished it last night becuase she is awesome. I do not begrudge her my bitterness, but when you are faced with eight hours of sitting in room that you are being evicted from shortly, it can be quiet despressing. It totally was.

So, as I realized the vast expanse of my upcoming boredom coupled with the process of cleaning out my classroom, I began to think about my joblessness. It really sucks. It seems like all the local possibilities are quickly drying up and that in order to get a job I shall have to uproot my husband and move. Plus, being rejected after making it to the final two twice sucks. I mean, I am perpetually people's second choice, which my ego and my heart find rather hard to accept. Second place...nothing like being told how fantastic people think you are, but you aren't as fantastic as the other guy (or in most of my cases, girl).

So, needless to say, sadness coupled with bitterness mixed with an abundance of time to stew equals me in a bad mood. Well, apparently there is some cosmic rule that states that you are not allowed to be in a bad mood. In fact, people will make  point to remind you of the fact that you shouldn't be in a bad mood.  Want to know what makes me move from bitter to pissed off? When people inform me that unbeknownst to me, I have no right to be upset.

Apparently, when you have something bad happen to you, some people think that you do not have the right to be upset about it unless everything in your life is also falling apart. I don't have a job? Well, I have no right to be upset about that because I have a husband. My gramma passed away? Well I shouldn't be upset about that because  look at how many people are still friggin' alive. No, no. Bad shit happens but we aren't allowed to be upset about it. Nope. Fuck your feelings, I think you should be happy and by golly, let me tell you why!

Fun fact: if people were not supposed to be sad ever, then we wouldn't be able to be sad. That would not be an emotion that we would be able to have or recognize. The fact that we can tells you that we should be allowed to be. I mean, I get it. There really are people out there that are in worse situations than I am. Millions. But you know what? That doesn't mean that I am not allowed to be upset about something that happened to me. Want to know the easiest way to deal with things? By dealing with them. I find that saying that I shouldn't be upset about something because something else in my life is good is an insult.

I wish more people would realize that being angry and upset is okay.  I don't think that it is a bad feeling at all. Sometimes people are sad, and you know what, it is fine. Sometimes people just need to be bitter about something. As long as they are not hurting anyone with their bitterness, then let them be. Seriously. What is wrong with being in a bad mood? I mean, if I am taking it out on you, then by all means, please tell me and help me stop.

And do not try and tell me that you are trying to help me because you care about me. If that is the case, then when you ask if I need anything and I say no, believe me. Some people just like to be left alone when they are upset.

What a Blah Day

You know it is a bad day when even the Internet isn't amusing you.

Yep. That kind of day.

So, here I was, all pumped about this interview I had at Malone. I rocked it, literally. They told me so. Well the said "You did very well,", which we all know is adult talk for you rocked it. They also said that they would call either way - whether I got the job or not.

Well, that was Monday. Today is Saturday. No call, whatsoever. Then, I went all stalkerish on their website. Their Board of Education meeting agenda indicates that they are going to appoint the English position on Tuesday. Well, you can't appoint a teacher unless they have accepted the job. I haven't gotten a phone call, so I am guessing they are not going to ask me to accept. I mean, they know they want to appoint on Tuesday, so I doubt they are going to call me Monday and ask me.

This is very frustrating. Why is it that I always get to the final round and not get chosen? Talk about taking a hit to the self esteem. This is the third time in two years this has happened to me. When I was first applying to jobs, three years ago, this also happened, so many times I lost count. Back then it was flattering. I mean with all the competition I was flattered even to be interviewed. Now I am frustrated. I want a job, I want to work. I have bills to pay!

What I want to do is sit down with all these people and ask "Why didn't you hire me?" Not in that I am going to burst into tears kind of way, but I want to know so if I get to this stage again, I know what I should and shouldn't do. What did it come down to that when it was narrowed down they chose not to hire me?

Frustrating. I really just want a job. I get my hopes all up and they are dashed with a big fat stick of rejection. I feel inadequate. If I don't have a job, how am I supposed to help support my family? How am I supposed to be able to start a family? Why is the outcome of my life determined by other people? I mean, I lost my job because the state stopped funding GB. Who decided that? Do they not realize that cutting a budget has profound effects? I mean, not only did I lose the job, but these students are on a fast track to no where if you keep taking things away from them.  Why are sports still being funded, but teachers being cut? I mean, sure, soooo many high school student go on to play pro sports, it only makes sense that they keep funding that. Yeah, ok.


See, that kind of day.